Worthy, Valued, Loved
When my ex-husband first dropped the bombshell that he was having an affair, I was in shock. After a few hours of processing the information in a state of disbelief, I started shaking. I was confused. My mind seemed fully intact, but my body seemed to have a mind of its own. I was lightheaded. I needed to lie down, but then I was hit with nausea. I ran to the bathroom and knelt at the foot of the toilet bowl gripping its sides. I vomited over and over again till there was nothing left to expunge. My body continued to shake with violent spasms. I was exhausted. The tile floor by the toilet looked as inviting to me as the softest feather bed. My face and chest felt like they were on fire. I desperately wanted to feel the cool of the tile on my cheek. I spread out on the bathroom floor at the foot of the toilet bowl and brought my knees to my chest. I didn’t pray. I didn’t call out to God. In the fetal position, I rocked back and forth to ease the spasms and cried.
I’ve come a long way from that tile floor, but I share this image with you now because I want you to know I understand where you’ve been, where you are and where you can go. In that moment, I felt so small, so vulnerable, so worthless. Everything I had spent my life building had gone down in flames in an instant, so fast I could not process what was happening. As I reflect back, I still wince with pain, but I know lying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position is an important part of my story and a clue to what I’ve been desperately searching for all my life.
Recently, I left an organization because I didn’t feel comfortable with leadership practices that were happening within the body. I did my best to draw attention to some of the issues in a loving way and explain that I was distancing myself from the situation to allow the organization time to address the issues. The representative of the organization nodded their head with understanding and agreed that my leaving would be best and they would not try to convince me otherwise. I nodded my head in agreement, but in my heart I was disappointed. What had I really wanted? As I reflected, I realized that in my heart I wanted the people in that organization to fight for me. I wanted them to say, you’re special. You’re meaningful. We wouldn’t want to go on without you and lose what you contribute. We couldn’t live without you. I was hurt. For a moment, I relived the rejection I felt that night on the bathroom floor. In my heart, I felt like they were happy to see me go. Because I had drawn attention to some problems, even in a loving way, I had become an inconvenience, someone to keep permanently on the outside. I have a pattern of looking for love in the wrong places and this was yet another reminder.
Our human institutions often practice the love of God poorly. I often practice the love of God poorly. In moments of reflection, especially when I don’t get things right with other people, I remember lying on that bathroom floor rocking back and forth in the fetal position. The memory connects me to my own desperate need for love and affirmation. In John 21, Jesus told his disciples that if they really loved him, they would feed his lambs. Jesus wasn’t talking about literal food and water, but responding to our most human basic need: to be loved, accepted, and deemed worthy. This need for love and affirmation, seems to be a common thread in all of us and so many of us never receive that love and acceptance in our human relationships or organizations.
A few days after the incident on the bathroom floor, I had finally processed through my pain enough to pray in earnest. It was in the middle of the night and I was so tormented by my thoughts I was unable to sleep. I remember choking through a desperate prayer, as I cried, feeling fully the rejection of my husband’s affair and the terror of an unknown future. As I prayed, I visualized someone holding me. It wasn’t exactly a man or a woman, but a presence incredibly loving and comforting. I chose to believe it was the spirit of Christ. He whispered in my ear. “I love you. You are beautiful. You are enough just as you are. I’ve got you.” He stroked my hair and held me close as I cried. When I called out to God, He did provide me with comfort and I knew in my heart that I was loved and valued by God.
I wish I could bottle up the comfort God provided for me that night and gulp down the magic liquid in every moment of self-doubt. Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the way it works. We will always battle with issues of self-worth. As I continue to minister and build relationships, I cannot help but remember Jesus’ parable of the talents in Matthew 25. For the servants who obeyed and invested their talents wisely, the master says, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master.” How wonderful, to have our master truly see us and affirm us? To have someone of authority say, “you’re doing such a good job.” “I am so proud of you.” When a person of authority or merit has faith in you and then gives you more responsibility, it is a deep compliment and the emotional boost is comparable to no other. Most of us are hungry for positive affirmation, yet have little luck finding it.
For those of you who read my blogs regularly, you know that I believe we cannot control, nor should we try to control others. We have to focus on our own actions. We may not be able to ease every burden or solve every problem, but we can feed the sheep. I am so sorry, if in your moment of pain, you felt alone, unworthy, unloved as I did, but because of our experience on the bathroom floor, we can recognize others in pain and help alleviate suffering. I remember a godly presence in the night, a still voice, reminding me that I was worthy, valued, and loved by God himself. I know I’m meant to repeat that message to anyone who needs to hear it in their moment of need. When my heart is attuned to God, I can see the value in my brothers and sisters and spare them a few words of encouragement, give them some of my time and show them love. I have the power to make others feel valued, cherished, and seen. We may not be able to practice it perfectly, but we can certainly be connected and aware of the human need around us. The power in seeing value in others is immeasurable and the very best way to demonstrate our love for God. “If you love me, feed my sheep.” When we extend that love for others, you may just find your own broken heart made whole.
