Graceless
During the pandemic life for many of us became more challenging. My children were home 24/7 which put a lot more pressure on me, especially as a single parent. The stress load of work was off the charts as my job responsibilities changed overnight. I often felt like I was thrown into situations where I did not feel either confident or competent. A strong personal incentive in my life was feeling good about a job well done, but in the midst of a daily shifting schedule, revised duties, and fighting children, I often felt like just surviving the day in one piece was now the new normal. On a daily basis my patience was tested and I found showing grace to others increasingly difficult because of the weight of stress and responsibility. I was overwhelmed.
I hope what we endured during the COVID 19 was a extreme scenario, but the experience reminded me that our lives are fragile and our situation can change on a dime. The one constant in our lives is change. In order to adjust to life’s ups and downs, we must learn to accept our vulnerabilities and learn the art of grace. We must never lose our ability to be patient and kind to our neighbor even when it’s hard.
There’s an interesting parable in Matthew 18: 21-35 where a servant finds himself mired in debt. The debt is so bad that his creditors threaten to sell his wife and children into servitude. When he begs for mercy before the king, the man of authority to whom he owes the money has compassion on him and cancels his debt. The act of mercy is beyond generous, unbelievable and yet the forgiven man does not respond with grace. In fact, he seeks out a servant who owed him a small sum. He grabs him and chokes him demanding payment. When the choking man begs for mercy, the recently forgiven servant refuses to show mercy and instead has him forcibly hauled off to prison. When the king who showed grace to the first servant is told about the servant’s petty and vindictive behavior, he has him brought before him. He hands him over to the jailers to be tortured until he pays back all he owes. The parable ends with Jesus saying that those who are unable to forgive their brother or sister will be treated much the same. Yikes.
As a teacher, in a small way I relate to this story. I am not a powerful person, but I do have some power over others. I am the authority of my classroom and I grade and assess students on their work. I can lend them extra time or encouragement on their assignments. I can also be a “by the books” law enforcer. If I choose, I can use the full extent of my authority to withhold their diploma.
There are times I can get very frustrated with my students. Many students don’t make deadlines, they’re disorganized, sometimes they’re rude or even angry. On occasion I am tempted to use the full weight of my position to punish them for not meeting my standards. I can tell myself that I’m preparing them for the real world or doing my best to train them to be the best they can be. My mind can focus on how their wayward behavior forces me work harder and I can dwell over the misery of grading their late work on the weekends. Perhaps in some cases the heavy hand is the most appropriate tool to help a student. I certainly think having high standards and holding people to a bar can be a wonderful tool to help students grow, however, holding students to a standard because it makes me feel important is a different matter altogether. This is where I have to engage in personal reflection and make my best attempt to internalize the heart of my faith.
Living the Christian faith starts with honesty and humility and it starts with a hard look at myself. Here’s a snapshot of my morning. I woke up 15 minutes late. I forgot to put on deodorant and I didn’t have time to shower. I had homework I was supposed to do for professional development and I decided not to do it in favor of watching TV last night with my boys. I lost my patience and yelled at my older son before I left the house and used a four letter word. I also forgot to feed the dogs. I have high standards for myself, but I’m not meeting them. I was late to work and I was impatient with my kids. I chose to slack off rather than do my homework, which I rationalized as prioritizing my family over work. You get the point. How can I hold my students to exacting standards when I myself do not live up to them? Where is the grace? Where is the humility? Where is Christ?
The art of grace is centered in humility, the realization that I am flawed. I know where the standard is and I am striving toward it, but I am far from reaching my goal to be like Jesus. As I reflect on my own human performance or lack thereof, it puts me in a better position for relating with my students. I can have more compassion because I’m humble about myself. I can see my own struggles in their struggles and I can imagine how I hope Jesus will talk to me even when he knows I’ve messed up. I believe God loves me and that he will be kind and gracious even when I haven’t been so great with others. But as the parable warns, the grace of God is shown in a state of humility and not pride.
Extreme circumstances seem to bring out extreme reactions in most of us and practicing grace takes commitment and practice. When our world becomes unstable and frightening, it is easy to start making demands of those around us. We can hold even more firmly and rigidly to rules and structure because it helps us feel in control when the world feels chaotic. Empowering ourselves seems like a pretty good strategy for gaining control. Christianity is counter intuitive in this way. Those who are truly secure and happy in themselves simply do not feel the need to lord their power over others. Every time we fight for control, we are putting focus on ourselves and distracted from showing grace to others. The Holy Spirit lives and breathes in the realm of grace and if I want to experience God in my life, this is the space where I too must learn to live.
