Finding a True Friend in the Graveyard
One of my favorite stories is Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol. I watch the movie every year with my two boys. I am intrigued by the ghosts who take Ebenezer on a tour of his past, present, and future. He was given the rare opportunity to see clearly, reflect on his life, and change course for the better. We may believe such chances only exist in the realm of fantasy, but the truth is all of us have the ability to change course and change our lives. We can reflect on the path we have chosen and where it will take us. Will you like who you become or will you be repulsed by your future self as Ebenezer was? For many of us, looking into the past may be difficult, like walking through a graveyard of broken relationships and missed opportunities. Perhaps we did not treat people with the love and respect they deserved, perhaps we were immature and not prepared for the challenges of friendship and love, or perhaps we missed opportunities to build relationships because they threatened things we wanted for ourselves. Whatever, the case, most of us have regrets that we can either face head on or try to ignore.
I never considered myself a Scrooge. I’ve always had friends and successful relationships, but none of us are perfect and our lives do hold clues of where we struggle and where we are broken. When my marriage failed, I spent a long time reflecting on my graveyard of past relationships and trying to understand why my path led me to the place where I now stood. I realized that my biggest struggle has always been establishing clear boundaries. Relationships can bring incredible pleasure to your life, but they can also carry a heavy burden. As a Christian minister, my interactions with people often had blurred lines. Were they true friendships or part of the job? I often felt like my friendships were taxing and stressful. The people I was in relationship with often wanted emotional support and love from me and over time I began to resent their demands. My well was dry. I continued to toil through relationships even when I did not enjoy them. I believed this was the duty of selfless love that all Christians must bear.
When my marriage ended, I left the ministry. My husband and I were co-ministers and the conditions surrounding our broken marriage made our ministry no longer viable. I grieved the loss in many ways, but over time I realized that leaving the ministry was yet another opportunity to weigh my life and possibly make a change for the better. For lack of a better definition, it was my Ebenezer moment. The first step was to heal and reconnect with God. How could I have a successful relationship with anyone, if I was an emotional wreck? For at least several months, I distanced myself from almost everyone in my professional life and even my personal life. I was too distressed to support other people emotionally and I realized my children were my number one priority. It felt better to be surrounded by people who did not know me well, who did not know the burdens I carried and expected little from me emotionally. Over time I began to make new friendships and rebuild old ones with new priorities. I could no longer pour myself into everything and everyone. I had to learn to be purposeful and intentional in my relationships. I needed to practice restraint.
In all honesty, my new social circle was not entirely my choice. I was going through a divorce and a career change. Many friends left me. I was paralyzed by the shame of events surrounding my marriage and I was secretive and elusive. Some friends sensed something was deeply wrong, but they weren’t sure how to show concern. My changed identity as a divorced woman perhaps no longer allowed me a place at the table with the various married couples. Many friendships simply faded away. The old me might have been resentful, but some transitions are natural and necessary. My life was changing and not everyone would travel with me for the ride.
The book of Proverbs contains a wealth of biblical wisdom and one of my favorite verses in regard to friendship is Proverbs 27:17. “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” True friendships are reciprocal. They should be deep, challenging, and make us stronger and better. I used to believe that my Christian duty was to be friends with everyone, but not everyone is designed to be our close friend. Those who really love us are tough. They tell us the truth and really want good for us. Finding someone who genuinely wants good things for you is finding a true treasure. I have learned to appreciate how rare friends like this really are. We should love everyone as God loves us, but when it comes to friendships, being selective is okay and we should choose quality over quantity.
“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother—” Proverbs 18:24. When we encounter storms in life, the deeper friendships become vital to our survival. This leads to the obvious question, How do I find a true friend? Friends come in all shapes and sizes, but I believe those of us who are fortunate enough to build deep friendships do so by first working to improve ourselves so that we can be a good friend to others. We must strive toward personal integrity and openness with those we care for. We must seek the truth, remain loyal, and live with integrity. We need to be humble and honest about our failings and learn from our mistakes. All of this is easier said than done, but for those of us who want something more meaningful in our relationships with others, these principles lead us in the right direction.
The gospels and letters of Paul often speak about dying to oneself in order to find true life. “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.”— Luke 14:33. Friendship is much the same. When we seek friends in a self interested way, we may find that those friendships do not have the depth to withstand the realities of our human nature and the struggles that life will bring. But those of us who have discovered the value in serving others because of what God has done for us, learn quickly that a friend motivated by a genuine goodwill toward others is a friend like no other. These are the friends that mystify me with their love and care even when I certainly don’t deserve it and even behave badly.
I have no magical potion for friendship. I am not always the friend I should be. Most of the time, I simply struggle to manage myself. But, if you have been wounded by your graveyard of past relationships, there is hope and there can be healing. Each day is a new day and there are always opportunities to be a true friend. Take them!
