The Shame I Leave Behind
Oh no! The holiday season is around the corner and if you’re recovering from divorce like myself, you may be thinking this is a fine time to shop for bourbon and Moosetracks ice-cream. You might be planning several hot dates with Amazon Prime, Hulu, and Netflix. From one divorcee to another, please remember you’re better than that. We are striving to put the failures and regrets of our pasts behind. We must embrace our best possible future. There is no need to drown our pain, that is…if we are moving forward from a place of hope. There are dark forces in the world that want to keep us in shame, despair and loss, but we have the power to fight dark forces and to strive toward a more fulfilling life.
When I was in the eighth grade I went on a class trip for a few days to a foreign city. The trip was a school requirement. My class stayed in a hotel for a couple of nights with four students to a hotel room. Our hotel room was hot and in the middle of the night, I kicked my blankets off. My nightshirt rose to my chest leaving my pubescent body exposed and vulnerable. My three roommates who I thought were my “friends” took pictures of me while I slept. They developed those pictures at a photo shop the next day and then showed them to the rest of the class. I was practically naked in the pictures they passed around. Another student finally confessed to me what she had seen on the bus ride to one of the famous sites and that’s when I learned the truth. I still remember the burning sensation, the pain in my chest from intense feelings of humiliation. My thoughts raced as my anxiety escalated through the roof. It took only moments to process the thought that the whole class, boys included, had seen me exposed in the most unflattering of lights. They had sexualized me without my permission. I realized clearly that for whatever reason, these girls wanted to humiliate me and make me feel small. I knew then that there were forces in the world that wanted to crush me. The experience was a rude awakening to the reality of the world, which is not always kind and often cruel. These eighth grade girls held my life in the balance. They had all the power and I felt incredibly helpless. Then I thought to myself, what really is the difference between these pictures of me in my underwear and wearing a bikini in the summertime? Why should I allow them to make me feel so small and helpless? I did have a choice. I didn’t have to give them the power, but it required me to face my humiliation head on. The girls confronted me, “Do you like the pictures we took of you?”
I remember laughing at them. “I don’t care,” I said. “It’s just like wearing my swimsuit.” I faked a confidence I didn’t really feel, but I saw the light of sadistic pleasure extinguish from their eyes as they realized their loss of power over me. They had not been able to shame me or make me feel small, at least not visibly, but only because I realized my only option outside of shame and humiliation was to own those pictures.
Bullies still thrive in a flawed world and you will encounter people who want to make you feel small. They will use shame to control your actions, to steal your joy, and put you in your proper place. In the face of such people, the truth is a righteous weapon. If we believe we are truly forgiven by God’s grace, there is no more shame, only hope. As our spiritual enemies throw our vulnerabilities in our face, we can respond by laughing, agreeing, and embracing our own flaws. “Oh, wow. You’re right. I’m working on that” or as I learned “Yes, that is me in my underwear.” As Paul said so eloquently in his letter to the Romans: “Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us” (Romans 5:1-5). All of us have traveled through the difficulties of life, the mistakes and consequences of sin, and the unforeseen tragedies of a fragile existence. Those of us who live in glass houses should not throw stones as the old saying goes. I do not have to pretend I’ve lived a perfect life. I just need to be honest that I need God in my life. I am learning to walk in the light even as the God’s light tends to put my human frailties on full display.
Pride often lies at the center of our desire to protect ourselves from shame, to desperately save face, and ironically our desire to protect ourselves can hold us hostage. We may find ourselves controlled by people who don’t really love us or want good for us. Honesty before the Lord and often before the people we are in relationship with is foundational to our spiritual purpose to be children of the light. “The Light has come into the world, but men loved the darkness rather than the Light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come into the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed” (John 3:19-20).
When we live in God’s light our sins are exposed and we are vulnerable, but our weakness is our strength. We must no longer live in fear of our deeds being exposed. We have to own our failures, bring them into the light. How else can we address and fix what’s wrong? What is the point of a painful experience if we do not grow from it? Isn’t life all the better if our experiences might also help someone else going through a similar struggle? Not everyone is willing to do this, but you must accept that you are living in the dark, not in the light. During this holiday season, consider how, despite your flaws and struggles, you can step into the light. How can your honesty before the Lord open a path to minister to someone else in need? How might it help you venture into the world with your head held high ready to experience life’s many opportunities beyond Hulu, Ice cream and bourbon. We are forgiven. Forgiveness means we can leave our shame behind.
