A Broken Heart’s Window of Opportunity
Broken relationships are a common theme in all of our lives. Whether you are the survivor of a broken marriage, a destroyed friendship, a severed family relationship, or tense partnership with a work colleague, you may find yourself in a place where you feel both disappointed in others and yourself. How do we navigate our way through the terrible emotional baggage that comes with broken relationships? In the beginning of a romance or friendship, we see the great potential for a meaningful connection, camaraderie, and the joy of affirmation. At the end, we are left with the bitter taste of disappointment and the sad reality of human brokenness.
Several years ago, I had a work friendship with a lovely woman. I will call her Renee. I was working on a drama production with kids and asked Renee, since she had amazing seamstress skills, if she would let us borrow some of her clothes for costumes. She agreed. I picked up the clothes and she gave me some instructions on their care. For those of you who are teachers or have worked on a drama production with teenagers, you may know the pandemonium that ensues during the three months you are committed to the project. I was wearing fifty hats and we were all working like maniacs. We had a successful play and then it was time to return the costumes. I had a list of five hundred things to do to wrap up the production and my main priority was to make sure I got the costumes returned pronto, before I forgot to do it or a student lost an item. I had the students wash and return the clothes and then folded them in a plastic storage bin. There was a problem. Some of the kids did not wash their costumes. Renee had requested that I hang up the costumes up and I had hastily folded them in a bin. I did not defy her instructions out of malice, but I was stressed out under the burden of wearing so many hats and I was inconsiderate. Renee had been very kind and I really did not treat her clothes or the kindness she offered with the proper respect I should have.
When I returned the clothes, Renee was not happy. She was an assertive, strong woman, which I respect, and let me know that I had not fulfilled my side of the bargain. I felt terrible. As soon as she went through the list of what I should have done with the clothes and failed to do, I knew she was absolutely right. I apologized and offered to take the clothes back and return them correctly as directed the first time. Renee refused. I offered to stay with her and help her work on the costumes. She refused. I offered to pay her money for the costumes. She refused. I did not know what do do. I did not know how to repair the damage between us. I asked her, “how can I make this right?” The answer was silence. Renee was so angry at me. I felt like a bug pinned on a piece of paper. She would not allow me to make amends. I was lost.
I went home feeling absolutely terrible. I bought a Hallmark card, scribbled my apology yet again, and included a gift card that I hoped would at least acknowledge that I realized I was wrong. I wanted her to know I felt terrible about the trouble I had caused her. As time passed, as ashamed as I felt, I was able to mentally let the incident go because I knew I had done what I could to make the situation right. It’s all you can do.
This brings me to my point today. In every relationship that is broken, we are responsible for ourselves, our role in the brokenness. We cannot make the other party say they’re sorry, or force them to do what we believe is the right thing. We cannot force people to forgive us. We can only focus on our own actions and what we should do to make the situation right according to our conscience and faith. Here lies the opportunity. In every broken moment, we have a chance to self-reflect and learn a little more about ourselves. We have the opportunity to grow. Renee never did forgive me, at least not in a way that was communicated to me, but wow…, I did learn some things from this awful experience. At the time, it felt gut wrenching, but now… I am so much better (not perfect) at treating other people’s things with respect. I am more aware of my own weakness of not completing tasks in a thorough or considerate way. I also am more reluctant to ask to borrow someone else’s things, because I know my tendency to get forgetful. I have grown through the experience.
Our relationships with spouses, family members, and close friends can be much messier than this, but the principle still holds true. The key to possible reconciliation with those we love is always a journey through the tunnel of repentance and then to forgiveness. Two obstacles stand in the way of successfully mending a broken relationship.
1) Refusing to Repent
Our first instinct is to justify our own actions. We tend to tell narratives where we frame ourselves as hapless victims to the evil or cruelty around us. The people around us are just plain mean. I have been guilty of this. There I was, just innocently standing there, and this person out of nowhere just… Very rarely is this construct based on reality. I’m not sure if I’ve ever innocently stood anywhere. When relationships break, there are always two sides of the story. As soon as we’ve been convicted of our own wrong doing, our modus operandi is to become our own network news commentators, ready to defend our position to the death and unwilling to consider that it’s possible we may have had unkind motives or behaved poorly ourselves. This does not by any means imply the other person is innocent, but it shifts responsibility to ourselves and our own actions and this is where responsibility should always lie. How do I work on myself to be better? In 2 Chronicles 7:14, the biblical author says, "If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.” The nation of Israel had a long history of wickedness and then repentance which was symbolically played out in the destruction and then rebuilding of the Temple, the central place of worship. Repentance was always the key to restoration and healing according to the prophetic writers of the Old Testament. This is true in our relationships as well. The act of prayer and seeking, helps move us to that humble state that puts our heart in the right place to move us forward. This is why Jesus asks us to pray for our enemies. The very act of prayer, forces us to acknowledge our human frailty, our need for God to restore our heart and minds and give us the vision to see ourselves and others more clearly. What we usually discover is our enemies are not as evil as we try to make them and we are not as innocent as we try to frame ourselves.
2) Refusing to Forgive
When we approach others in a state of humility, forgiveness often comes naturally. When someone is truly sorry for their own role in brokenness and approach the other from a state of true repentance, it is difficult to withhold the hand of friendship or forgiveness. Insincere apologies like “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which reveals the speaker’s inability to take accountability for their role in any of the brokenness may be one of largest hurdles in making reconciliation possible between two feuding parties. In Renee’s case, I believe her inability to forgive me, was coming from a place of deep pain over matters that had little or nothing to do with me. We are all carrying heavy burdens and sometimes recognizing that a hardened heart is coming from a place of deep pain, can be very helpful in allowing us to soften our anger toward a person who seems unable to forgive. However, without the forgiveness, the relationship will not be restored, the brokenness will remain, but if we have done our own part to repent and forgive, we can at least move forward.
The reality in most broken relationships is that both parties need to do both their fair share of repenting and forgiving. Our tendency to shift blame on others is the primary reason reconciliation efforts break down. Take ownership of your own role in the problem. If you’re spending nights awake, if your bodily functions are disturbed, if you’re having nightmares, you are not at peace with yourself. This is because, you know in your heart that you are not perfect, that you did do something wrong, and that there is still work to be done for your own peace. This is a good instinct. This is God’s way of telling you that there is an opportunity to transcend what is broken and make it right. You have the opportunity to grow and to find peace. This concept is central to Christian faith. As Jesus said himself in Matthew 16:24. “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?” Central to our faith, is the idea that the true Christ follower is a person who takes on the burden of their sin, embraces a position of humility and then follows Jesus wherever He might lead. As you reflect on your own broken relationships, do you need to ask for repentance? If you vehemently deny that you do, but are still tormented by thoughts and dreams that won’t be laid to rest, you most likely need to seek forgiveness, take responsibility for your role in the brokenness. Maybe, you need to forgive. Release the hurt that clings relentlessly to your heart. Perhaps, you need to reach out your hand in love to someone who hurt you, but is now genuinely holding out an olive branch. Because of our brokenness reconciliation is not always possible, but if you do your part, you can at least experience the peace and growth of knowing you did your part to make what was broken whole again. You conscience will no longer torment you. You will find rest again because you came out of the wreckage a better and stronger person.
