Should I Stay or Should I Go?
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me” (1 Corinthians 13:1). There are days I wish I could go back to the simpler days of childhood when I didn’t have to make weighty decisions. Good or bad, my choices were made for me. I didn’t have to bear the responsibility of making a poor decision. There was a freedom in being dependent and a bit helpless. As I check the Head of Household box on my 1040 form, I know things have changed. I must provide for myself and others and my decisions matter because they impact my children as well as myself. When I made the decision to get divorced, I didn’t take it lightly. I knew the decision would change, well…everything.
Of all the weighty decisions that I have encountered throughout adulthood, I am always surprised by how often I come back to one basic question: Should I stay or should I go? I will have to disagree with Hamlet on this one and say that I have found this to be the essential question not the matter of my existence. At this stage in my life, I cannot tell you how many times I have stood at the precipice of a life altering decision. In some cases, they have revolved around unhealthy relationships in my personal life, struggling with complex work conditions, or finding myself disillusioned by the behavior of those in authority. Wherever you have to engage with people, you will be faced with the complexities of human relationships and you will be forced to navigate them. No matter what the setting, our choices tend to center around a deep sense of personal dissatisfaction in our lives followed by the daunting task of trying to determine if staying in the current situation will bear good fruit or only lead to further rot and decay.
Every time I face such a choice, I find myself overwhelmed with anxiety and stress. I feel off balanced and fearful. Maintaining faith in God becomes more challenging. I cannot tell anyone that there is a fool proof plan for dealing with human brokenness that will tell you exactly when it’s time to leave a situation, but there is some reassurance that even in the Bible, there are instances where people of God make spirit led decisions to get out of Dodge. Consider Jesus leaving his hometown of Nazareth. The people there had known Jesus since he was a child. Despite the obvious presence of God in his preaching and teaching, they were unable to receive his message. They were too stuck in the past, to recognize what God was doing now. “They got up and drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff”(Luke 4:29). Jesus was not afraid to move on, when he recognized the Nazarenes were completely closed to his ministry and were also intent on destroying him. This gives us at least one reason, why it’s biblically justified to leave a situation. If you’re deeply connected to God and humble in your spiritual life and yet encounter closed doors and malevolent behavior on account of your love for the Lord, it might be time to look for an exit.
Even close relationships do not always last. Paul, the author of most of the New Testament, experienced several fissures in his relationships, even with ministry partners including the Apostle Peter and Barnabas. He could not see eye to eye with Peter on the issue of Gentiles and how they should be incorporated into the faith, so they parted ways. Paul and Barnabas could not agree on the future of their ministry and neither was able to compromise enough to stay together. In both instances there was a disagreement and no doubt hard feelings, disappointment and grief. From what we can reconstruct, reconciliation did not happen in the sense that the former closeness and intimacy in these partnerships was ever restored. But, these disciples embraced what God had in store for their lives, distanced themselves from each other and moved on in faith. Although a broken relationship is sad, what’s admirable in the New Testament is that Paul, Barnabas, and Peter move away from grudges and hard feelings. They wished each other the best for the sake of the kingdom of God, but they were no longer close. One can only imagine that Paul and Barnabas experienced regrets and grieved the loss of their friendship. The good news is they were able to focus their energy on what was beneficial for the kingdom of God instead of stoking up ammunition against each other. God used Peter, Paul, and Barnabas in the ministry to further the spread of Christianity. God may allow a relationship to end in order to move people into the ministries he has in mind for them. Our goal is to not allow bitterness and hard feelings to get in the way of following God’s calling in our lives.
A marriage is different than other relationships. Our partner is the person we have vowed to love and stay faithful to through thick or thin. We make a commitment and a unique promise to that person. In a broken world, circumstances happen where divorce might be the only viable option, but divorce is always tragic. I still believe that every effort should be made to grow with your partner, learn and thrive. Although it’s never easy, marriage has so much to offer and those who have a committed partner are blessed.
Leaving a marriage is never justified when the issue is a lack of commitment, boredom, or a lethargy to invest in the relationship. But, if one partner is intent on living in sin and inflicting pain and suffering on their spouse and children, healthy boundaries need to be put in place as a stronghold against sin. Healthy boundaries are Christ centered and fueled by love. Our God is a god of boundaries. His love and mercy are overflowing and boundless, yet human beings are still divided from God. Why? If God really loves us, shouldn’t we all be basking in his boundless love? The answer is simple. Sin divides us from God and separates us from grace, mercy, and a real relationship with God. Division is never what we want in any relationship, but if sin and lawlessness are rampant, the godly must run to God and away from sin. God is always ready to provide grace and mercy when we turn away from darkness. Likewise, we should always be ready to break down walls when people seek repentance, but mended relationships are not the same relationships of the past. Relationships can heal, but scars from brokenness remain.
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