Leap of Faith
My parents were still active on the mission field when I started my freshman year of college. I remember our trip to the U.S that summer vividly. My parents helped me move into the dorm, hugged me, told me they loved me, and then they were out the door. I put on a brave face. The next day they were on a flight back to Japan, thousands of miles across the Pacific Ocean. Before I went to college, I had never spent more than a week away from my parents. I was petrified and cried most of the night, but the next day I dried my eyes determined to make friends and make the best of my new situation. I was 17 years old, practically a grown adult, but the feeling of loneliness and the fear of being left entirely on my own has never left me.
When a person becomes a Christian, they make a declaration that they will put their faith in Jesus instead of the ways of the world. Christians believe that God is good and wants what is best for them as beautifully rendered in Jeremiah 29:11. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you plans to give you hope and a future.” Often this act of allegiance is treated among Christians as a simple rite of passage, similar to moving into a dorm room. Declaring faith marks the moment when one starts their progression from newbie Christian to mature Christian. But taking a leap of faith is no easy matter at all. In fact, it is an incredible act of bravery and it is one that Christians must do daily even as they live in a broken world. Believers embrace hope in a faith that promises that God loves us and wants good for us even when it often appears that God has no plans to prosper us at all.
If someone had quoted the Jeremiah 29:11 verse to me shortly after the destruction of my marriage, I would have responded with raised eyebrows and a cynical smile. If this is God’s plan to prosper me, please count me out! I did not see hope in my future and it was difficult to see a loving God at work in my life. In fact, for several decades ranging from my 20’s to 40’s, even as I counted myself a Christian, the world had been whispering a consistent message in my ear, one that I fully believed. Girl, you are on your own! The message was validated by people who had important roles in my life, individuals whom I loved and trusted, but left me to carry the burdens whenever challenges arose. I was the one who showed up for work every morning, took care of the kids, worked my way through teaching school with a screaming baby in one arm and a book in the other. I supported my husband through financial and emotional struggles. I pressed on and didn’t complain. But…I didn’t believe anyone would really be there for me, if I fell or needed them.
This is a challenge for caretakers. We are the ones who find our identity in being useful to others, but are at a complete loss when we try to care for ourselves. Behind the behavior of service, the beast of ego still exists. We can easily fall in love with our own usefulness. I am important because all these people could not live without me. If this is your chosen form of pride, like it is mine, one might find it difficult to step aside and let God do the caring. This leads us to a sad, lonely place.
Yes, I am useful, resilient, and strong, but these good qualities can distance us from a real relationship with God. If we allow ourselves to look clearly at our darkest thoughts, we can see that when we reach the limit of our own strength, there will be no one left to love us or care for us because we are no longer useful and this is what framed our identity. This is the moment when our idolatry is revealed. Franz Kafka’s Gregor Samsa, the protagonist of his famous novella, Metamorphosis finds a similar fate. Gregor devoted his life to his family. He sacrificed his dreams to work a terrible job for an uncaring boss who made unrealistic demands of him. But, Gregor told himself that his sacrifices were worth it because he was helping his sick father by working in his stead. He was proud that he had provided the opportunity for his sister to go to a music conservatory and embrace a bright future all because of his sacrifices. But one morning, Gregor awakens as an enormous bug, literally a bug, and this metamorphosis gives him a new perspective. He sees that his father can work and is better for it. His sister is still able to pursue her dreams and prospers even without his sacrifices. As Gregor is unable to return back to his human form, no one thinks of him anymore. He is simply a nuisance, cared for in a dispassionate manner by a serving woman. Eventually his frail body shrivels and blows away in an uncaring world leaving no trace he ever existed. Kafka’s story is a hit to the heart. When we make sacrifices to feed our ego, it leads to the worst kind of loneliness. No one will remember us.
Faith in God proclaims a different reality. We are not on our own. God is with us. In fact, that is what the term Emmanuel means signaling the true significance of faith in Jesus. We are not alone, God is flesh abiding in us and with us. When I do good for others, it is not because I am useful or amazing, but because the power of God is working through me, transforming me, not into Kafka’s bug, but a child of God. Leaping toward God can be absolutely terrifying, especially if you have been hurt, let down, or made to feel like no one has your back. Jesus never tells us that the life of faith is easy. Faith in Christ is the narrow gate, the pearl of great price, yet we leap for it, because the alternative is so much worse. I want to live a life of purpose and meaning, but I am fortunate that I am able to see that faith in myself will not lead to fulfillment. A leap of faith is a leap toward God and one that we must make every day.
