If I Could Take It Back
In moments of reflection, I sometimes pose a theoretical question to myself: If I could go back to the beginning of my married relationship, before we tied the knot, would I walk away from marrying my husband if I knew then what I know now? If I had married someone else would I now be living a vastly happier life? Considering the pain, betrayal, and hurt, would I choose differently if given the opportunity? The answer is always an unequivocal, “No!” My mind travels to the beautiful faces of my two sons, the battles I’ve survived and withstood, and the lessons I have learned in the process. I wouldn’t take it back, not any of it; not even my own poor choices. I have learned to fully own my story and to accept the good with the bad.
In James 1:24, the writer says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” When I first heard this idea that a godly life was characterized by joyfulness in the face of trials, I believed this to be an impossible, even delusional goal. How could a person find joy in the face of losing everything they held dear? Indeed, while enduring my own struggles, joy was definitely not my first reaction and probably not even in the top 10 reactions. However, joy did eventually come. I am reminded of one of David’s Psalms, “…Though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).” We do indeed go through a time of night, but there is hope, the promise of joy and restoration. This is the wonderful promise of the Christian faith and the reason I’m a believer.
The Lessons That Make It All Worth It
When I was in college my grandmother gave me some dating advice. She said, “A man should always love you more than you love him.” I found this to be quite shocking at the time and I didn’t really agree with her. As a product of my times, I was a big advocate for everything being perfectly equal between a husband and wife. Now as a divorced woman who has struggled with appropriate boundaries throughout her entire marriage, I think I’m finally gleaning the point my grandmother was trying to make. If a woman’s marriage begins without the same intense level of commitment from their future partner there are likely to be serious storms ahead. There were many red flags even early in my relationship that I didn’t allow myself to process. I wanted to believe my husband was desperately in love with me and it hurt my ego to realize that he had serious doubts about spending his life with me. This inequity of commitment was not a solid foundation to build a life upon. Our marriage was on shaky ground from the start. What would induce me to ignore so many red flags and marry someone who could never return the level of passion I was willing to give? That is a question that has kept me up many nights and I am finally beginning to understand the answer. What I can say is that most of us do not enter relationships that aren’t feeding our egos on some level and even dysfunctional relationships often satisfy deep desires within us, often unhealthy ones. This is why many people stay static in unhealthy relationships, even when they know on an intrinsic level that something is severely wrong.
I have a confession. I am a recovering enabler. I tend to believe I can do the work for others that they should do for themselves. I believed that I could put enough love and spark in the marriage to cover both partners. I have been guilty of this “over enthusiasm” in all my roles. I have happily taken on the duties of house, work, and career and allowed others to rest easy while I worked like a dog. This was not because of my natural altruism. I received a boost of confidence and self-worth from being that productive person who took on responsibility, but on the flipside, when life became overwhelming, it left me bitter and resentful. By not establishing clear boundaries and roles, I allowed my family members to stunt their own personal development in the process of feeding my ego, while also resenting them and playing the martyr. Yuck! In essence, doing the work of others can be a very prideful tendency and my misdirected sense of responsibility wreaked havoc in my own life and in my husband and children’s lives. When you do the work for others, that they should do for themselves, you tend to create monsters.
I am not trying to take the blame for my husband’s actions, not by any means, but through prayer and meditation, I have learned to look at myself with grace, but also with a little more honesty. With a broken marriage behind me, I have learned this valuable lesson. I am grateful for what I’ve learned through trial and error and I’m making positive and real changes in my life. My older son is now cooking dinner once a week for the family. He has taken on the responsibility of work and school and I am allowing him to shoulder his own burdens. My younger son is learning how to do the laundry, rinse the dishes, and start the dishwasher. This is a big deal in my house. I am becoming a better parent, one that helps my children grow instead of simply meeting their basic needs by doing everything for them. Perhaps I’ve learned this lesson the hard way, but I’m still appreciative of what I’ve gained. Through different choices I’m paving a brighter future for my sons and myself. I also get a break from cooking every Monday night. I’ve had to relinquish some control and that has been hard, but a much needed change in my household. It also feels good to make real and measurable spiritual growth and this is what breeds contentment and peace. I still have my moments of mom hysteria, but I’m definitely traveling in the right direction.
Finding joy in our lives is not about living the perfect life, but a fearless one. Christian teaching challenges us to strive for the wisdom to clearly realize our weaknesses, so we can allow God to pour into us and shape us into a new creation. I cannot stress enough the importance of spending time with God and doing the hard work of allowing God into the full sphere of our lives through prayer and biblical study. This is the joy of the morning that we only discover after traveling through the dark, terrifying night. God’s grace, love, and wisdom provides power in our times of struggle and offers hope even when we fall short. If you also are traveling through that dark night, a storm of epic proportions, please remember morning will come. Trade your sorrows for God’s overwhelming love. Ellie, the protagonist of House on Sand says it well, “You can’t really recognize the light if you don’t know what the darkness looks like.” You may have to go through the tunnel, but you will come out on the other side fully able to see and appreciate the light.
