I Can’t Make You Love Me

In 1997 Bonnie Raitt came out with this sad ballad: I Can’t Make You Love Me, if You Don’t. The lilting melody sums up the feelings of helplessness and heartbreak that surround us when the person we love with our full heart casts us aside. Why don’t you love me? What did I do wrong? Unrequited love is one of the most difficult challenges in our lives to overcome without turning embittered and cynical. The song’s deep sadness resonates from this line, “I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power, but you won't, no you won't.” The singer is all in, willing to lay down everything for the man she loves, but the object of her love does not feel the same. This relationship will never work and the singer comes to this realization as she belts out her last heart wrenching cry of resistance marking the deep unfairness of the situation.

Romantic love is complex and most people are searching for different qualities in others that they hope will fill the giant void in their own lives. Some are searching for a person who makes them feel desirable and worthy in the eyes of others—a trophy wife or husband so to speak. Others search for someone to idolize them and feed their ego. Many are simply desperate for someone to talk with, someone who’ll love them unconditionally and listen to their concerns, make them feel a little less alone in the world. We search for a variety of qualities in a mate, but at the center of our quest is a desire for someone else to validate our worth as a human being. Finding true love in the face of our spiritual emptiness begs the question: Can a relationship formed from a deep place of insecurity truly be successful? Perhaps what we search for in a romantic partner tells us more about our own character than it communicates about the person we supposedly seek. My working theory is that most successful marriages are not based on mutual insecurity, but a mutual selfless love that transcends the tendency to hyper focus on ourselves. These are confident, resilient people who are mostly successfully at fending off feelings of self-doubt and depression.

In our current popular culture of Romcom movies, shows like the Bachelor and its multitude of spin offs, as well as the obsession with celebrity romance, the emphasis couldn’t be clearer: If you score a great partner, you have more value as a human being than those who don’t. Look, someone loves me. I am okay, acceptable, and important. Those of us who are single are not exactly the walking dead but we are certainly made to feel like the walking incomplete. When I was still reeling from my separation from my husband, I remember feeling rather bitter and cynical as I looked at happy couples. What is their secret? What do they have, that I don’t? That was the thinking of a person in grief, with a lot of healing to do. But I’m learning to look at romance through a different lens and this is where my faith in Jesus is shaping me through a gradual process. I am beginning to transform my thinking. The prophet Ezekiel said, “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26).” The prophet spoke directly about God’s power to shape and change one’s heart, to give us a new spirit, one that is godly rather than worldly. Despite what social media tells us, brokenness and heartbreak can actually give us a spiritual advantage. We singletons are constantly made conscious of our incomplete and broken state and that can lead to depression, but it also can inspire us to improve ourselves and seek spiritual enlightenment. We can learn to find our self worth in a spiritual realm with God and this is certainly the best place to determine our true value.

Christian thinking has a way of turning worldly thinking on its head. Despite the message of ABC’s The Bachelor, perhaps my newfound identity as a single woman may actually offer more opportunities for fulfillment and joy than what I ever experienced in my marriage. This year my spiritual goal is to be strongly centered in Christ. I am focused on realizing my own value and worth as a creation of God rather than desperately needing a romantic relationship or even friend and family relationships to affirm my existence in the world. In Matthew 6:33 Jesus says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” My lack of a romantic partner in my life allows me to seek God more fully. I believe that it is from this seeking that I will find God’s purpose for my life. This past year I wrote a book, one that is a tribute to my healing and God’s shaping of my life. If I had been romantically involved, I really doubt I would have had the focus needed to complete the project that God placed on my heart. I know myself. I would have been distracted and I would have sacrificed my own goals for his much too easily.

This brings me back to the title of this blog. Bonnie Raitt is absolutely right. I can’t make anyone love me and that is completely okay. Pleading for the approval of others is barking up the wrong tree. I am living for God or at least striving toward the goal. The only job I have that matters is to fulfill my spiritual purpose, to live in the joy of serving God to the best of my ability based on the gifts he has given me. I am compelled to follow the still small voice that leads me toward the ultimate prize. If people happen to love me along the way, then that’s simply a wonderful thing that has been added unto me.

Currently, I am not super concerned with finding a romantic partner. I am focused on my own healing after a broken 17 year relationship and building my own connection to God. I have work to do and plenty to keep me busy. If I happen to meet an amazing person in my future, I want to be the kind of person who can pour love into my partner, rather than desperately needing that person to pour love into me. I have much to give and this is because God has given so much to me. My prayer is that my future partner (if there is one) will feel the same way. As for you, dear reader, like me, you have gifts that God has given you, focus on finding the blessing in your life by using those gifts to make the world better. Let that still small voice speak in your ear and follow its call.