A Time to Heal
After a cataclysmic event like divorce, people will tell you to take time to heal. In our culture, I am sorry to say there is no such thing as taking time to heal. After a broken relationship, we are expected to rebound within minutes.The author of Ecclesiastes tells us there is a time for everything under the sun. “A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal… The self proclaimed “teacher” writes some of the most beautiful poetry in the Bible reminding us that the nature of the world is one of constant change. Our journey through life will lead us through pain and suffering but also to great joy. But America, is not comfortable with grief, perhaps this is why many of us spend more time disguising our pain than truly focusing on the potentially messy road of healing.
A few weeks after my divorce was final, I began to hear the first wave of well-intentioned advice from family, friends and acquaintances, cute little catch phrases like, “It’s time to get back on the horse,” or “Don’t you think it’s time to get on Tinder?” or my favorite, “Do you want to die alone?” The advice came from both Christians and secular friends. As I was grieving the loss of my marriage, suddenly I felt pressure to put myself out there. If I snooze, I’ll lose, right? One friend even told me if I didn’t hurry all the good ones would be taken. I do believe my friends were well intentioned, but they really seemed to believe that somehow if I went on a date with some random guy, this would be a sign of my healing. They would be reassured that I was getting out there grabbing my recovery with two hands rather than sitting at home watching Law and Order while folding laundry.
Despite the pressure which I briefly gave into, I learned quickly that I wasn’t ready. In fact, I was still trying to understand what had happened in my marriage much less jump into a new relationship. I wasn’t feeling it. I had two boys to raise and a career to maintain. Dating didn’t really seem realistic and wasn’t high on my priority list. But… I was worried. Was I not dating because I was afraid? Perhaps I was retreating to the safety of my own four walls and perhaps my refusal to search for love would ruin my chances for future happiness? Was I fated to die alone?
In the movies, new relationships after a divorce take place in the span of about 10 minutes. Often we see a montage of a woman regaining her confidence by working out at the gym, losing weight, buying a new wardrobe, and walking a city street with her hair blowing in the wind and her head held high, but real healing is not something that happens overnight. I am learning that A Time to Heal is really a time to walk with God and to listen to his voice. Now, I try to take one day at a time, making what I can do for the kingdom of God my priority rather than scrolling through Tinder or Match profiles. I am better off for it.
Relationships are complicated. Many people do not have great relationships or great marriages and rushing into relationships is not a recipe for success. I realize that people have different struggles and needs. Some people are forced into relationships early due to economic hardship and others are terrified to live life alone. I was fortunate not to find myself in either of these categories. In fact, a time of rest sounded amazing to me. Some people may indeed find their best partner in record speed, but many romantic relationships can be more of a distraction rather than a help to spiritual growth and emotional growth. In fact, they can lead to rather horrible outcomes. I have seen tragic events unfold for some wonderful women because of the pressure they felt to rush into a relationship. If we let human wisdom rather than God’s wisdom take priority in our lives we can undermine all stability and enter a realm of chaos.
After tragedy, we need time to heal, a time to reset, a time to center ourselves with God and there is no time frame on how long this will take or how long it should take. God leads us and we are along for the ride. When we align our hearts with the spirit of God, we may find that our hearts lead us in different directions than expected. I have moments where I smile because my life has certainly taken a different course than I thought it would. Sometimes I am disappointed, but there are other times, I realize God is using me and I am growing in faith and learning. I feel useful and meaningful and that is more than many people can say. It is the gift of following your faith.
In Proverbs 16:9 the Psalmist says, “ In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” The wisdom passage reminds us that our ideas about our futures may not reflect what is holy and good for our lives.
Allowing the Lord to establish our steps involves a mental detour from the wisdom of the world. Instead of striving to fit the image of a Rom Com heroine, we can consider what might evolve from the ashes if we allow ourselves to wrestle honestly with God and our grief. It might mean more nights folding laundry and learning to sit with our loneliness rather than striving desperately to look for a new mate. And yes, this could be terrifying. Of course, no one wants to die alone.
“Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. In my own walk with the Lord, I have come to believe that God knows my heart and he wants good for me. My belief does not feel validated every day, but it is an act of faith that God will meet me in my grief and provide in ways better than even my imaginings. I am open to life possibilities. I’m not hunkering in my house like a bomb shelter, but I’m also not living under a synthetic timeline that I have no value if I can’t find a replacement for my ex husband. It is the lie that many middle aged divorced women have come to believe that somehow if I’m they’re not in a relationship, they have no worth.
My faith has emboldened me to seek a middle ground, a place where I am at peace with what God provides, yet open to possibilities and ready to receive the gifts life offers with an open heart.
