You’re So Strong (Not!)
I’m always appreciative of friends, family, and readers who encourage me. Most of us are pleased to receive a compliment once in a while and kind words can certainly provide a boost of confidence. Recently I caught up with a friend after several years and after we exchanged best wishes she said in reference to my book, “I admire your strength. You are really brave.” I appreciated her heartfelt encouragement, but I was a little uncomfortable. When reflecting later on why the words made me feel uneasy, I realized that I did not believe her words were true. The truth is, I’m terrified most of the time. I feel neither strong or brave. Often I am floundering under the burdens of working a full time job and being a single mother. This life is no joke.
There are many aspects of a life of responsibility that induce fear and trembling. The trust of raising children, in my case two sons, is daunting. During and after my divorce I was genuinely terrified that my emotional trauma would mess my children up for life. I wanted to raise two amazing boys, but I was so tired both emotionally and physically that I knew I wasn’t able to be the parent I wanted to be. Working full time as a teacher took so much of my strength and energy. I came home exhausted and drained. My deep longing on these days was to order take out for the family, and then sit on the couch with a cup of tea while watching an episode of Downton Abbey. Something about the order of upper crust British life was extremely appealing contrasted against the chaos of my own life. My sons however had no interest in sipping tea and watching BBC. They usually wanted my attention and they would fight, wrestle, and generally make loud obnoxious noises until I was forced to pay attention. I was often short and impatient with them as the tension between my own need for quiet competed for their need for attention and love. Between work and family it felt like there was not a spare moment for myself.
What a life! This was not what I signed up for when I became a parent and yet this was reality. I realized I was not strong. In fact, I was about to break. Perhaps this was my true show of strength, the realization that I needed help. I could not do this alone.
In many social fields, people stress the importance of mental health and the need for everyone on occasion to take a mental health day. For most people what a mental health day means in all practicality is a day off work and hours watching Netflix on the couch or in my case binge watching Downton Abbey. Of course, every responsible person sometimes needs a break, but perhaps it’s not really a mental health day that we need, but a spiritual health day. When we’re feeling down and depressed, I am not convinced that binge watching superficiality idolized on Netflix is going to fix what’s ailing us. In fact, it just might make matters worse if we learn to rely on empty things to give us strength. I see this pattern in many of the young people I mentor, who fill their time with social media and games rather than meaningful connections with other people. My heart breaks for the growing number of young people who have little to no deep connection with God or others. When they struggle, they have no support and feel so alone in their pain.
We are not meant to carry our burdens alone. I’m not superwoman and my life gets pretty awful when I try to take on emotionally more than I can handle. What we really need is meaningful connection with God and meaningful connection with others. This is the heart of the gospel as framed by Matthew in the New Testament (pictured below).
When we’re under insurmountable hardship and stress, perhaps instead of a mental health day, what we really need and what we are truly searching for is spiritual guidance. For me, this was finally taking Bible study and prayer seriously and learning to rely on prayer and mindful scripture meditation in times of need rather than in worldly escapism. I learned to cast my cares on the Lord as quoted in 1 Peter 5:7. “Cast your Cares Upon the Lord, for he cares for you.” God did not magically take away my burdens, but prayer and scripture meditation did help me align my priorities and also encouraged me to reach out for help. After feeding my spirit, I recognized that my sons were crying out for love and support. I also realized they were my first priority. I was okay with turning off Downton Abbey. I then felt the need to call my friends and reach out and let them know my needs and struggles. I am fortunate to have a few friends and family members who serve as my personal therapists from time to time. They provide me with Godly counsel and I try to do the same for them. As I’ve learned to place emphasis on my spiritual health, my life has changed immeasurably for the better.
My life is still chaotic. At work and home, I feel the pressure of hundreds of tasks that need to be done immediately and I’m in way over my head most of the time. But God never fails to provide my daily bread when I seek Him. I am not alone. When I need help, I have found that no matter what the necessity, I am covered. My friends and family have poured love into me and my boys. I’ve even had more than a few moments to watch Downton Abbey in peace. Where I fall short, God takes over and he uses the wonderful people in my life. So, no…I’m not really strong, but I do have access to a strength way beyond my own and so do you.
