Heartbreak Hill
I once went to a Christian friend and mentor for advice because I was dealing with a difficult situation. My son had experienced unkind treatment from a teacher at school and I was trying to figure out the best way to deal with the problem? Should I go to the office and make a stink with the principal? Should I communicate directly with the teacher? I wondered if it was even possible for me to put the hard feelings aside and forgive and forget? My friend told me not to take things personally, wait on the Lord, and allow God to handle the problem before rushing to action. Spend time in prayer.
His advice was difficult to follow. I was in mama bear mode and it took everything in me not to insert myself into this situation. I felt like my child had been wronged and I wanted to run to his aid. But, after prayer and reflection, I took my friend’s advice. I sent a a brief email to the teacher asking for clarification on what happened, but I controlled my anger (at least visibly) and did not pursue any action against the teacher. All in all, it was the right decision and my friend counseled me to seek closeness with God before acting in a rash manner.
My mentor also had children at the school. A few weeks later, he had a similar issue with a teacher. To my surprise, he was quick to call the teacher to task, wrote a long letter of concern and met with the principal, expressing the hope that she be put under review for termination. When he spoke to me later about the incident he was visibly upset and shaken. I had full empathy for his feelings, having experienced something similar myself, but I couldn’t help but remember how his advice for me didn’t line up with his own actions. When it was my child, the best course of action was to be patient, turn the other cheek, and wait on the Lord. For his child, the best course of action was to come to the school ready for battle. Interesting…
The story reveals a common human struggle: our tendency to hold others to a different standard than we hold ourselves. I do not blame my friend for being human. Most of us give better advice than we live up to and we are emotionally triggered when it comes to witnessing our children struggle. Waiting on the Lord is no easy matter. I am guilty of this as much as anyone, but when we can’t walk our talk, we fall into the danger of becoming hypocrites despite our best intentions. Dispassionate advice can be harmful especially if it is advice we cannot follow ourselves. In my friend’s case I never doubted his good intent, but if he had seen my child through the same lens as his own, I would have felt more empathy and less judgement from his counsel.
In our relationships, it is important to remember that we are not made holy by right actions, but only by our intimacy with Christ. Sometimes we can become flippant as we counsel others, eager to give the right spiritual answer. We may be missing a crucial aspect of godly friendship in the process. In relationship with others, we need to be grounded in our struggles not prideful in our works. When we pursue relationships with one another from a mutual understanding of our deep need for God, we can become better more humble friends as we learn to let go of status and the need to display spiritual superiority over others.
Heartbreak Hill is my nickname for the place of profound grief. Jesus traveled there himself at the Garden of Gethsemane, the night before his crucifixion. In this garden, Jesus was abandoned by his disciples who would not spend the night praying with him. It was here, where Jesus wept tears of blood, and begged God to take the cup of suffering away from him. “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done” (Matthew 26:39). If Jesus himself had to go through such suffering even before his crucifixion, there must be a reason. There is something to learn from Gethsemane, the place of pain. What I can tell you from my own experience with suffering is it keeps us honest. Who has energy to seek status, position, or power in the midst of pain? People either cry out to God for help or curse him.
My suffering is small compared to what Jesus endured, but my own divorce opened a window in my heart that led toward a deeper relationship with God. I felt abandoned and alone and it forced me to seek God more fully. The alienation I experienced was an indicator of my reduced status in most Christian circles, places that had served as both a home and a source of identity. But as I drew closer to God for comfort, I was reminded daily that the goal was not to chase status in a Christian church, but only to chase God and his presence in my life.
Sin is messy and destructive and all of us have succumbed to its power. But those most at risk to the power of are those who feel safe from sin. If one believes themselves immune to temptation, pointing a finger at another person becomes all the easier. But, what is often lacking in these judgments is the compassion and care that is most fundamental to our Christian identity. We open the floodgates of criticism at our own peril when we chase ego. Most of us want to feel righteous and virtuous and there is no better way to capture this feeling than in the act of condemning the actions of those we perceive as more sinful than us. To use an analogy, the practice is similar to a person shouting out scripture verses to a hungry homeless person from the window of a speeding car. We make a mockery of Bible verses when we don’t live the principles those verses proclaim. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus called this practice pointing out the speck in a brother’s eye when a plank sits in the middle of your face. Christian practice, without a heart for Jesus, often becomes this ridiculous.
Even the best laid plans can go astray, if they are not coming from a godly place. This is why Heartbreak Hill is crucial in our ability to counsel and encourage each other. My divorce marked the most difficult period of my life. Never in my life had I experienced such feelings of pain, rejection, outrage, failure and grief yet the experience has changed me for the better. Grief can make us bitter, angry, and cynical, but if we allow God to shape our grief, it can also make us more compassionate, wise, and understanding in our relationships with others. I have by no means mastered these skills, but I’m moving in a better direction one shaped by awareness of my own failings as I move closer to God.
If you are a Christian who has experienced your share of grief and struggles, you may find yourself in a situation where you are counseling or encouraging a friend going through a similar hardship. In these moments, we may be tempted to be the “mentor” or the “authority”, but true Christian wisdom comes from Heartbreak Hill. We should remember our own struggles and God’s faithfulness to us through them. The best encouragement comes from those who have spent their time on Heartbreak Hill and yet still testify to the goodness of God.
