That Girl in the Mirror
Have you ever had a low confidence day?
After a divorce you may struggle with low confidence days. I know I did and continue to have them on occasion. Divorce can feel like a terrible mark on our otherwise clean records, a failure, a rejection. On these low confidence days I look in the mirror and I think, Holy Cow, you’re fat! No wonder you’re single. I wonder how anyone could possibly love or even like that ugly woman staring back at me. No matter what I wear, how much make up I apply, or how much coffee I drink, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that there’s something innately unlovable about me and the feeling can follow me like a bloodhound. The negativity of those thoughts impact the way I engage with those around me. I don’t have enough positive energy inside of me to be a force of positive for others. I’m too busy sinking in a pit of depression. My need for affirmation can be a drain on my relationships with friends. My mind travels to all the people who’ve rejected me throughout my life and I think, Yeah, I totally get why I’m alone. Just look at me.
The world we live in is full of messages that are damaging to our sense of self and contrary to the Gospel. In fact, we are surrounded by influences that directly attack our self-worth. I love movies, but I’m always amazed at how most of our lead actresses are a hundred pounds (seriously). Facebook and Instagram can be used for positive messaging, but most of us post images that reflect an idealized existence: fabulous vacations, gorgeous families, and evidence of our financial successes. Based on social media and the images spoon fed to me on my computer, my phone and television set, everyone seems to be enjoying a party I wasn’t invited to. I certainly feel at times like I don’t measure up. I wish I could just take a magic pill that would keep me steady, keep the negative thoughts at bay.
Jesus said, “whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life. (John 4-13-14). This verse always reminds me that when we’re feeling low, depleted, and down on ourselves, we often turn to the world for comfort when we should be turning to God. When we turn to the world we are left feeling worse. When I’m feeling depressed, surfing Facebook or watching a movie does not make me feel better. I’m just reminded that as I am, I’m just not enough. I’ll never be enough. The forces of darkness whisper in my ear and tell me that all the terrible fears I have about myself buried deeply within, are in fact true. I am not worthy of love or full acceptance.
When I read scripture or focus on prayer with God, I’m hit with another message. I am loved. I am valuable. I matter. We are nourished when we commune with Jesus in prayer, scripture, fellowship, and worship. I look in the mirror and all of a sudden, it’s like I’ve had a tummy tuck. I look hot. In reality, nothing in my physical appearance has changed at all. My self confidence has returned because I took the time to ground myself in God’s love for me. Love has a miraculous transforming quality. When we look at each other through the lens of love, we become truly gorgeous—lol! Our beauty comes out of the woodwork and we begin to shine. When we feel loved, our cup overflows and we have encouragement and kindness to offer others. When we are connected to God, we are able to let go of the false gods we turned to for false comfort. We are no longer left thirsting. When we’re nourished by living water, we can recognize the forces of evil for what they are and commit ourselves powerfully to act as forces of good.
We live in a broken world and there will always be challenges to our sense of self-worth and emotional stability. As a Christ follower, however, you can gird yourself with armor to face these attacks. When I feel a cloud of negative emotion and self-doubt headed my direction, I turn on my playlist of worship songs that affirm God and my place in His world. I listen, sing, and worship. I pray and ask God to direct me as I search the Bible. I call my praying sisters and I confess my fears and doubts and ask them to surround me with prayer. I try to have humility and fully acknowledge that I am still vulnerable to attacks no matter how mature I think I am in my faith. Since I’ve been engaged in these spirit led actions, I have found that I can stay centered and experience a form of peace even in the middle of a storm. This is a testament to the power of God. There is incredible peace in the knowledge that God is always there to nourish us no matter what our challenges. I want peace for all my sisters who have been dragged through the mud of divorce or felt the betrayal of an extramarital affair. You need that reminder that you are beautiful and stunning to God and he wants you to know above all things that you are loved.
