A Time to Heal
The author of Ecclesiastes tells us there is a time for everything under the sun. “A time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal… The self proclaimed “teacher” writes some of the most beautiful poetry in the Bible reminding us that the nature of the world is one of constant change. Our journey through life will lead us through pain and suffering but also to great joy. We are meant to experience all of life and we are meant to learn and grow through those experiences. This brings me to A Time to Heal. In our culture, I am sorry to say there is no such thing. After a broken relationship, we are expected to rebound within minutes.
A few weeks after my divorce was final, I began to hear the first wave of well-intentioned advice from family, friends and acquaintances, cute little catch phrases like, “It’s time to get back on the horse,” or “Don’t you think it’s time to get on Tinder?” or my favorite, “Do you want to die alone?” The advice came from both Christians and secular friends. As I was grieving the loss of my marriage, suddenly I felt pressure to put myself out there. If I snooze, I’ll lose, right? One friend even told me if I didn’t hurry all the good ones would be taken. I do believe my friends were well intentioned, but they really seemed to believe that somehow if I went on a date with some random guy, this would be a sign of my healing. They would be reassured that I was getting out there grabbing my recovery with two hands rather than sitting at home watching Law and Order while folding laundry.
Despite the pressure which I briefly gave into, I learned quickly that I wasn’t ready. In fact, I was still trying to understand what had happened in my marriage much less jump into a new relationship. I wasn’t feeling it. I had two boys to raise and a career to maintain. Dating didn’t really seem realistic and wasn’t high on my priority list. But… I was worried. Was I not dating because I was afraid? Perhaps I was retreating to the safety of my own four walls and perhaps my refusal to search for love would ruin my chances for future happiness? Was I fated to die alone?
In the movies, new relationships after a divorce take place in the span of about 10 minutes. Often we see a montage of a woman regaining her confidence by working out at the gym, losing weight, buying a new wardrobe, and walking a city street with her hair blowing in the wind and her head held high, but real healing is not something that happens overnight. I am learning that A Time to Heal is really a time to walk with God and to listen to his voice. Now, I try to take one day at a time, making what I can do for the kingdom of God my priority rather than scrolling through Tinder or Match profiles. I am better off for it.
Relationships are complicated. Many people do not have great relationships or great marriages and rushing into relationships is not a recipe for success. I realize that people have different struggles and needs. Some people are forced into relationships early due to economic hardship and others are terrified to live life alone. I was fortunate not to find myself in either of these categories. In fact, a time of rest sounded amazing to me. Some people may indeed find their best partner in record speed, but many romantic relationships can be more of a distraction rather than a help to spiritual growth and emotional growth. In fact, they can lead to rather horrible outcomes. I have seen tragic events unfold for some wonderful women because of the pressure they felt to rush into a relationship. If we let human wisdom rather than God’s wisdom take priority in our lives we can undermine all stability and enter a realm of chaos.
After tragedy, we need time to heal, a time to reset, a time to center ourselves with God and there is no time frame on how long this will take or how long it should take. God leads us and we are along for the ride. When we align our hearts with the spirit of God, we may find that our hearts lead us in different directions than expected. I have moments where I smile because my life has certainly taken a different course than I thought it would. Sometimes I am disappointed, but there are other times, I realize God is using me and I am growing in faith and learning. I feel useful and meaningful and that is more than many people can say. It is the gift of following your faith.
In Proverbs 16:9 the Psalmist says, “ In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” I love this verse. It is a reminder that our ideas about our futures may not reflect God’s plan for our lives. The Lord establishes our steps if we let him. He is the one who is with us every step of the way and guides those steps to lead us in the right direction and we will end in a different and better place than we imagined. I am grateful that God guides my steps because there are challenges to overcome every day. I need God’s help to maneuver my life, single or married. No one wants to die alone. “Delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4. God knows our hearts and he wants good for us. As we walk each day, put your worries aside and trust in God’s love for us. We are not alone.
