A Little Extra
I’ve been working on this song for several months and this week’s blog is centered around the ideas that inspired its composition.
Hope is in short supply these days. I’m feeling the general mood at the grocery store when half of what’s on your list is missing from the shelves. There’s a quiet feeling of dread in the air. What horror will happen next? Considering the past two years and the unpleasant, unfamiliar terrain we’ve traveled together, I don’t blame anyone for feeling unsettled, but fear and uncertainty is not what I want for myself. As a friend just told me recently, “I want joy in my life, going for the rafters, unbelievable joy.” We are tired of living in the shadows under a cloud of fear. I love the sentiment and I agree with her. As a survivor of infidelity and divorce, I’ve already spent too much of my life living under the shadow of sadness. I don’t want to live half a life anymore. I refuse to live the next decade under a blanket of fear and dread. There may be forces in the world I can’t control, but I choose to live my life striving for what is good and seeing the beauty in the world around me.
On this point of joy, there is a chasm between our dreams and the realities of our daily lives. Many of us live at the tipping point between the mundane realities of everyday life treading water as we wait for the next crisis that might pounce on us when we least expect it. Joy does not come to people who live their lives bracing for the next disaster. We have to plan and make room for joy, but many of us secretly believe a joyful life is simply asking for too much. We dare not prepare for joy, because we don’t believe we are worthy of it. This is how I felt during the last few years of my marriage as I struggled to hold on to what I had already lost. I focused only on my grief, the terrifying changes, and the unknown all around me. God was nowhere to be found in my frame of vision. I was alone with my own thoughts and they were not good ones.
Living a joyful life is an art I’m learning as I balance the must do tasks of each day while striving to live in a state of hope. The thought that centers me in my spiritual life is a belief in God’s ultimate goodness and love for me. When I close my eyes in the last moments of my life, I will whisper, “It’s okay. God loves me and I trust he will take care of me.” I pray I will have this bravery even when my strength fails me as I reach the last chapter of my life. Believing that God loves me and will care for me is the faith I’ve chosen to embrace. This is faith and it has real power, but it’s not easy to let go of what feels known and safe even as it’s crumbling around us. It is genuinely frightening to go with God into the unknown, but yet we will all have to do just that. We will all have to let go and trust God or whatever higher power you acknowledge.
1 Peter 1:8-9 expresses the feeling accurately, “Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls.”
We are thirsty for a bit of the divine in our lives in the here and now. This world, without God, is deeply unsatisfying. Pain is real and pleasures are fleeting. We know these realities well. In order to live in a world that seems rather obviously fallen, we have to live in a state of hope to avoid the traps of depression and despondency. I don’t need to see the full kingdom of God, but I need a taste of the promise to come. A full encounter with God’s divine presence would be too much for me to process, but I need a glimpse of God, even it it’s just a small one. Some people have dreams and visions, but my path to God is a bit less glamorous. I pray. Making prayer a regular part of my life has made noticeable changes in finding that joy. I feel the strength to wake each morning with purpose in my step and to fall asleep peacefully at night. Even more valuable is discovering a resilience when life gets hard.
Spirituality is a practice and it takes effort. I have learned to seek God daily because without it, I’m vulnerable to every negative thought. Feelings of hopelessness and fear have a tendency to spiral and can lead to a complete loss of control, making us vulnerable to destructive temptations and habits, and ultimately destroying our mental health and our joy. Prayer was my point of contact with the divine. When my mind and heart were focused on reaching out to God from a place of humility, the discordant, random chords of my life begin to make sense. I begin to see the harmony and rhythm even in the fractured pieces of my broken, unsatisfying life. I begin to listen to the beautiful music that was always playing, but I was just unable to hear.
My journey with prayer intensified during my marital crisis. I thought my life circumstances were stable and secure, but they crumbled around me. I cried and pleaded with God. In the months that followed my prayers shifted to questioning, and gradually moved toward asking God to shape my heart. Now, I try to listen to God and trust him more to guide my thoughts. I have finally entered the space where I can sincerely pray even for my enemies. It only took me 47 years to reach that place, so I’m not bragging. Many of you are probably light years ahead of me. Even now, I can fall back to crying and pleading, but I think that’s okay. At least, I feel confident that God listens.
Whether we live in hope or despair…? Well, that’s up to us. Some of the happiest most joyful people are not necessarily swimming in blessings and likewise some of the most miserable people are both privileged and entitled. Material blessings can make us comfortable, but not joyful. Our hearts are seeking for something much more powerful and fulfilling than material wealth. If you have found yourself longing for joy in your life, take this as a positive sign. You are longing for a little extra in your life and that means, you might just take the time to find the little extra you’re searching for.
