I Couldn’t Look In the Mirror After My Divorce

After my divorce, I couldn’t look in the mirror without wondering what was wrong with me.

For at least a year, every time I caught my reflection, I hardly recognized the woman staring back. All I could see was someone who had been cast aside by the person who was supposed to love her the most. She looked ugly. Unlovable. Replaceable.

Blaming myself was easier than facing the complexity of infidelity, betrayal, divorce. It gave the pain somewhere to land.

When it came to my appearance, my femininity, my sense of desirability, I came out of my divorce with the confidence of a flea. I could not scrub myself clean, not from divorce and all the failure and rejection it embodied. On the worst days, I’d look in the mirror and think, No wonder you’re single. No matter what I wore, how much makeup I applied, or how much coffee I drank, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something in me was fundamentally not enough.

Those thoughts don’t stay contained. When I let them wander unchecked, I stopped showing up. I didn’t have the energy to invest in other people because I felt too awful about myself. One thought followed me everywhere: Of course you’re alone. Just look at you.

The world feeds those thoughts. Everywhere I looked, I saw a curated version of life that I didn’t fit into. From Facebook to Hollywood a litany of perfect bodies, perfect families, perfect vacations. It was hideous. It felt like everyone else had been invited to a party I didn’t even know existed.

And I believed it.

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