A Good Girl Wronged or Finally Made Right?
My book, House on Sand launches today. What an exciting journey it has been. Just a year ago, the concept and main themes of the book were swimming around in my brain shapeless and unformed. Recently divorced, I was beginning to accept that the separation from my husband was indeed tragic, but absolutely my best option considering the situation. The realization was challenging because as a Christian woman, I did not believe in divorce. My faith was the foundation of my healing, but I was discouraged by a lack of resources for Christian women like myself. I wanted to change that in my own small way.
As I now look at the completed product, the paperback in my hand, the beautiful cover, the dozens of people who helped in its formation, I see how God likewise creates order from chaos. I am awed and humbled by the mental mechanisms of our humanity that allow us to organize and create meaning from our experiences, even the painful ones. This is the process God can spark in all of our lives, the shaping of order and beauty from the chaos and mess of our lives. Witnessing this process over and over in my own life and the life of others is what makes me believe at the gut level in God’s shaping of the universe, a loving God who wants good for us.
I know that there are many others out there, perhaps even a person reading this blog, who finds it a challenge to believe in a good or loving God. Perhaps you felt alone and abandoned in your time of need and did not feel a loving presence guiding you. Our experiences are different, but I write this blog with you in mind. Today, I am standing on the top of the mountain. I am feeling the incredible joy of creating a work I’m proud of and also enjoying the moment with a wonderful community of supportive friends and family. Four years ago, I was in a deep valley. I could barely get out of bed. I wondered if my life had any value at all. In moments of success, I think it’s important to reflect on your journey and to consider what advice or words you might speak to your younger self to encourage her in the midst of the storm. There are many others living through what might seem like hopeless ordeals and they need to know that these tough circumstances will not last forever. My future self may need to be reminded of this as well. The darkness that looks like a bottomless abyss, may in fact be a doorway to an opportunity for a brighter and more satisfying future.
When I discovered my husband’s affair, my struggle was two-fold. I was attacked by a terrible sense of shame that I must have done something wrong in my marriage or must have some innately flawed characteristics in my personality to have caused my husband to cheat. I was terrified of what people would think about me, because much of my identity, as a pastor’s wife, was tied to a “good girl” image. What was happening to me, didn’t happen to good girls, at least so I thought. Being honest about what I was facing was tough. I was already so vulnerable from the hurt of rejection and to tell others the truth felt impossible. The other struggle was simply the cataclysmic attack on my self-worth. My worldview was quite proverbial in the sense that I believed that most of the pain and suffering human beings experience is directly due to our poor choices. The way I was treated by the person I loved the most, was the hardest rejection I had ever faced and it left me with the self-confidence of a flea. Many people don’t understand this, but my first reaction was not to blame my husband for his behavior, but myself. My journey of healing was really about confronting these two unhealthy forms of thinking head on. The following is the advice I wished someone had given me.
#1 Reconciliation is not the end game.
Your first priority is your own safety and this includes spirit, mind, and body. I have found that churches and well-meaning Christians when counseling those struggling in their marriages, move directly to reconciliation between the two parties. Forgiveness and reconciliation are wonderful things and they do show God’s grace in the midst of human brokenness, but reconciliation after betrayal, addiction, or abuse requires incredible repentance, a commitment to change, and direct actions to rebuild broken trust. Church leaders and well-meaning Christian friends often jump to reconciliation before any groundwork has taken place to rebuild the trust in the marriage that is broken. It’s a long road and we tend to like easy fixes. They often put pressure on parties in the marriage who have experience abuse to make extra efforts to save the marriage. The result of this approach can be even more damaging spiritually, emotionally, and physically to those who have already experienced repeated abuse. Those who have been abused can learn to forgive their abuser, but they are not required by Christian teaching to return to an abusive situation. This is not Christian teaching at all.
When Jesus was questioned on the issue of divorce by the Pharisees who came to test him in Matthew 19:3-12. He said that those united together in marriage were to become “one flesh”. “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” This is what marriage is supposed to be a joining of two people who are so committed to one another in action and deed that they become one flesh. They may be imperfect and flawed, but their commitment and love for each other make them humble. They are ready to learn and adapt to each other’s needs and to grow together though their struggles. The Pharisees then asked why Moses had allowed divorce. Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not that way from the beginning.” In other words, the law of Moses recognized a hardness of heart, the broken state of humanity. There are many of us who try to protect our sin rather than our partner. We are unable or unwilling to confess and repent, to make things right. When a person in a marriage is still embracing the sin, whether adultery, porn addiction, substance abuse, emotional abuse, physical, sexual abuse or whatever the brokenness is that is destroying the marriage, reconciliation is not possible. Did God try to reunite the Hebrew slaves of Egypt with the Pharaoh of Egypt who held them captive? Of course not. Exodus 9:12 reveals the same “hardness of heart” that Jesus alluded to. Pharaoh refused to repent and wished to continue holding the slaves captive. He was not willing to change his heart or to break his abusive and sinful patterns of behavior. In light of Pharaoh’s lack of repentance and stubborn heart, God aided the Israelite’s in their escape from Pharaoh’s systematic abuse. How beautiful it would have been if Pharaoh had freed the slaves of his own volition, in fact, he came very close, but that’s not how the story goes. This is where I return to my advice. Reconciliation is only possible when both parties are truly repentant and take actions to repair the damage that has been done. This could be damage on both sides, but reconciliation is centered in humility. If you are in a situation of betrayal, addiction, abuse or a combination, you need to leave the situation for your own safety. A person struggling with addiction, abuse, or betrayal has a lot of work to do on themselves before they can even focus on repairing the marriage. Even if they’re trying to change, if they cannot master their tendencies towards inflicting pain and hardship on their spouse, they do not get to hold their husband or wife captive to their abuse.
#2 You are Not Alone
I know you feel alone, but you aren’t. Please, do not hide under a rock. Do not be ashamed to tell those you love that you are struggling. Will there be people who don’t understand and don’t support you? Absolutely. There will be many others that come to your aid and will provide you with support and love, but you will need to reach out. This can be extremely hard, humbling, but you can do it. Ask for help. All I can say, is God placed unbelievable people in my life and it is through a supportive community that I have found healing. We don’t heal on our own. It may take some time to build these relationships, but start today one step at a time.
#3 It’s Okay to Move Forward with Your Life (NO SHAME)
My marriage did not work out, so I will live alone FOREVER! I had my chance and I will never get another one. I will wear a mark of shame because of the failure of my marriage. No. No. NO! God loves you. Involve yourself in service, doing good for others, creating, and educating yourself. Laugh and have fun with people. Open your social circle to include good and kind people you may not have been willing to consider before. Pray and ask for God’s guidance to give you the strength to seize opportunities when they come your way. Experience your life in the richest and deepest way you can. Respond to hardened heart syndrome, by opening your own heart to the fullest possible. Be there for others because you know what rejection feels like. Be open to new and exciting ways God may work in your life and open you eyes through prayer to those possibilities.
I could go on, but I won’t. If you know someone, who might be encouraged please share my three little pieces of advice with them. In the meantime, I wrote House on Sand to be an encouragement to women and men like you, traveling through the storm. We are traveling together. You are worthy, valued, and loved!
